# Oh, I feel good #
hey, Mike, happy birthday.
Thank you.
Mike, my man. Happy birthday.
Thank you very much.
Happy birthday, Mike.
Mike! The big 3-0. How do you feel?
Well, I'm the deputy mayor of greatest city on the face of the earth,
I'm a snappy dresser, and I don't have to have my prostate checked
for whole 'nother year.
I feel good!
Happy birthday.
Thank you. Great. Teamwork--I love that.
The big 3-0, huh? It's the perfect age.
You can date college girls and their mothers.
Nikki! Dance with me.
Oh!
(Whistling)
(humming)
shall we?
What the hell?
Hey!
Hey, Mike, Mike, Mike! Me next! Me next!
(Crash)
you gotta help me out.
Mike put a $25 limit on birthday gifts.
I have no idea what to get him.
You really believe that $25 thing?
Oh, well, me? No, no, no, no.
Yeah.
Last year, Bobby only spent $25 on Mike.
- Who's Bobby? - Exactly.
Did you schedule the meeting with the Italian trade commission?
- si, Mikey. - moLto bene. Nikki?
Those german investors come through with that development bid?
Nein, mikhail.
Oh, man, they didn't?
No, they did. I just don't know how to say yes in german.
Hey, Mike. Who's Renee Miller?
Renee Miller sent me a card?
Yeah. Who's Renee Miller?
We all have that first love, you know,
who ignites the spark of passion that's with us the rest of our lives.
And for me, that spark was Renee Miller.
Could have just said old girlfriend.
My first love? Amy hinkle.
Lovely woman.
Becky corrigan.
Roger taybach.
No way.
Roger taybach.
I told her that if neither of us were married by my 30th birthday,
I'd meet her on top of the empire state building at sunset.
That is so romantic.
It's like a movie.
It's beautiful. He'll nail her for sure.
Renee Miller.
Sir, when you said you wanted to see me,
did you literally mean see me?
How do you know if you are...a gay?
I'll come back.
Are you trying to tell me that you think you're...
Well, actually, I want to talk about my nephew Stephen.
You see, we think he may be a...
A gay?
Maybe. He seems very confused.
The family doesn't care what his preference is.
We just think it's time for him to settle down.
Basically we want him to pick a party and register to vote.
Sir, you're asking me to turn on the old gay-dar.
You people know each other.
It's--it's like a sixth sense.
It's the way I am with people from Connecticut.
That is a period. It says "remember our promise."
It's an invitation.
It's a question mark.
It's "remember our promise?!"
It's--it's philosophical.
Oh, Mike, you gotta go.
She's gonna be waiting there alone and desperate.
Alone and desperate.
I should go.
She's not gonna be there.
She just wants you to be thinking about her,
obsessing over her. I know. I do it all the time.
What?! That's wrong?
I want you.
I'm not gonna go. It's my 30th birthday.
I'm having a great time with all my friends here.
Tonight--tonight is about us.
Where are my presents?
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Well, you told me not to bring a date,
so he's downstairs waiting in the car.
What do I tell him? Half hour--more?
Open mine first.
"To Mike from Paul."
Why, thank you for those lovely words.
It's a $25 gift certificate from the pottery barn,
which is perfect for me, because it capitalizes
on my love for both pottery and barns.
Hopefully you'll feel the same way about block and Buster.
So I take it you all got me $25 gift certificates.
No, not me, Mike.
And it's a...
A $475 gift certificate from electronics u. s. a.
Mike, that's everything I had...
Less the $10 penalty for closing the account.
Non-refundable.
I don't wanna sound ungrateful,
because, you know, it was really generous of all of you,
especially you, James.
That Renee girl gave you an invite.
That's kind of cool.
Would you guys mind if I just left for a while?
Can we still be here, eat cake, and drink beer?
Oh, absolutely.
It's all right with me.
All: Go, go.
Go, Mike. Have fun.
Anthony! Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm gonna go.
Whoo! Get a load of the guns on that chick.
Hey, baby. You want some fries to go with that shake?
Stephen, please! People know that this is the mayor's office.
(Lisping) excuse me!
So, Steve.
Actually, it's Stephen with a pffff.
I do hope that Mike likes lilies.
Oh, God, what am I saying? Who doesn't like lilies?
So, Steve-pffn.
What do you do?
I'm in closets.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I come in with my staff, and we organize your closet.
We separate hanging items from sweaters. We build shoe trees.
So it's sort like being a-- an interior decorator.
Yeah. And Judy garland could sort of carry a tune.
Ah, Mike's lilies are parched. Agua.
What do you think?
Hard to tell.
Whoa! O.k. This is either Renee or--or a very friendly mugger.
And you're either Mike, or I am really embarrassed.
Wow.
I can't believe you're standing here.
The last time I saw you, you were wearing that cheerleader outfit,
and you were waving little pompoms.
Mike, I was never a cheerleader.
Yeah, I know. It's a dream I had...
Couple nights ago.
You look amazing.
What have you been up to?
Oh, this and that. I counsel teenage runaways,
which I love.
I mean, I don't love that they run away,
but if they didn't, I wouldn't have anything to do.
Can you tell I'm nervous? I'm shaking.
Yeah, it's o. k., 'cause I--I am, too.
And I think, you know, we're in sync,
so no one can tell.
So, what have you been doing for the last 12 years?
The Monday after we graduated,
my parents took me to Lake placid.
We actually toured the olympic site.
Saw the toboggan run, which was much steeper than I anticipated.
You can summarize if you want to.
O.k. College, law school, deputy mayor here.
Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you something.
Happy birthday.
Oh, don't tell me that's a don mattingly rookie card.
You know, he struck out a lot that first year,
but by the end of that season,
he was hitting homers left and right.
Very similar to your stats as my boyfriend.
Big league baseball.
Whoa. You know how long I've waited to hold this card in my hand?
Aaaagggghhhhh!
We have to come up with some real gift
to give Mike. What are you doing?
Looking through his checkbook.
Esmerelda minjuarez.
I didn't know Mike had a maid.
Because it's a spanish name, it's Mike's maid.
It says right here "maid."
All right. Here's his yearbook.
All right. Here.
Mike was president of his senior class.
People he most admires-- himself.
Look at this. A Christmas list of all Mike's--
"1976. Dear mr. Claus, please being me a scooter, a train set, and a pony."
Oh, that's a child's dream.
"1978--a farrah fawcett poster, a camera, and a pony."
Sounds like my fraternity initiation.
"1981. Parachute pants, absolute power, and a pony."
There's that pony again.
Here's something useful. A note from Mike's teacher Helen Walker.
"I'll never forget you."
Oh, that is so sweet.
She must have been his favorite teacher.
That's it, you guys. We will get him her.
Whoa! If that's what she looked like 12 years ago,
you're gonna have to dig her up.
We could always go down and look for it.
That's all right.
Some lucky kid probably has it...
Embedded in his forehead.
If it makes you feel any better,
I'll always remember your face when don took a nose dive.
You mean like this? Aaaaggghhhh!
It reminded me of that night my father caught us.
Oh, oh. On the pool table.
Oh, that was bad.
He never did play pool again.
How about you? How's your game?
You know, I'm a better player now,
but it's never been as much fun as it was with you.
Are we still talking about pool?
Oh, my God. I've got to go make a phone call.
What, you got a hot date?
No, a contingency plan with my friend Gail
in case you were married or really fat.
You know, I gotta tell you.
I didn't think you were gonna show up.
I thought it was just a line.
Come on, Renee. It's me.
(Whistling)
Mike?
I can't believe you remembered our promise!
(Whimpers)
I'm so glad you're here, Mike!
And I'm so glad you're here...you.
Remember these?
You'd think I would remember those.
It's your varsity hockey sweater
and the shirt you left at my house
the night we were studying for psych finals.
O.k. So I'm assuming this was in college?
You silly!
I knew you would show.
Oh, my therapist is just so negative.
He's like, "you're just setting yourself up
- for disappointment, bridget." - bridget!
But look who was right. Me!
And you know what? We should celebrate.
So why don't you give me your number, and I'll drop by for coffee,
- and we can catch up. O.k.? - I live in Ohio.
Well, that's perfect. That's only 16 hours away, 14 if I make the lights.
Oh. Gail said to say hi,
and even though this is very exciting,
not to sleep with you on the first date.
I'm glad you and Gail are still tight.
Who's Gail?
Renee's friend.
Who's Renee? Gail's friend.
I'm Renee. I'm a friend of Mike's.
Bridget. And you 2 just bumped into each other?
No, no. Mike asked me to meet him up here on his birthday.
You asked her to come, too?
I think I'm gonna lose it.
See what you did?
Well, it is a country kitchen.
I'm just not sure which country.
- Now, red, are you single? - Yeah.
Then I'm picking you to give me the grand tour.
Now, where are the closets? I must see the closets.
This way.
All right, then. Excuse us.
New girlfriend?
My nephew.
All man.
Stuart, does my nephew... Seem gay?
Well, if I have to be honest,
he's as gay as you are handsome and wise, sir.
- Carter? - I just think he's too gay to be gay.
Well, he's definitely too gay to be straight.
Oh, do you know gourmet magazine
pronounced this the year of the cheese?
Did see their summer soups issue?
Hello! I made one last night.
You know? You wouldn't think
that summer soups would go together,
because summer--hot, soup--hot?
But it works. It's kooky.
O.k. Breathe.
Breathe.
You got a master's degree in psychology
and the best you can come up with is breathe?
Give me a break. I usually counsel runaways.
That's--that's a starting point. Go with that.
O.k., bridget. The first thing you need to do
is call your parents.
They're very worried about you.
I think you can skip ahead.
I know how it feels.
You came here with High expectations.
And even though there's so much
in your life that's really great,
there's still a hole. There's still something missing.
You thought maybe you'd find it here.
I just wanted to have a drink.
Maybe go dancing?
Believe me, we both want the same things.
Oh, really? The right guy?
A pair of jeans that fit?
I'm--I'm serious. I mean, you know,
work is great, but relationships-- forget about it.
I keep messing up one after another.
The only thing that's keeping me from giving up completely
is that I'm trying not to make the same mistakes twice.
Mike!
We never thought you'd be here!
That's not going too well either.
I don't see why I don't get to wear the helmet.
Hey, you drive the hog, you wear the helmet.
Hog? It's a scooter. I'm taking a cab back.
Good. I'll drive mrs. Walker home on my hog.
And you let me do the talking.
Old ladies love me.
Mrs. Walker? I'm Paul lassiter.
Are you from the x-files?
No, no, no. There's nothing to be afraid of.
We just want to give you to somebody as a gift.
What?!
It's Mike Flaherty's birthday.
Ow! My eyes! My eyes!
Tell Flaherty there's more where that came from.
(Locks door)
o. k., if I'm driving to the hospital,
I'm gonna need the helmet.
It was nice of the girls to get bridget back to her hotel.
Hope they get a cab.
I'm sure they'll take the Mike Flaherty birthday shuttle with all the other gals.
So, this is what it's like to be 30.
You know, it's amazing.
I make one phone call, I can get every light in this city turned off.
But I can't meet a girl I've been dreaming about for 12 years
without screwing it up.
Can you make a phone call and get my cable turned back on?
Mike, don't be so hard on yourself.
There aren't many 30-year-olds who have everything they want.
Oh, yeah, there are. They're out there.
They're holding hands and drinking their cappuccinos, mocking me.
You wanna feel mocked?
Try going to 15 baby showers in a month.
I mean, I'm supposed to feel like some kind of failure
because I haven't created a screaming,
bank account-draining little poop machine
who's gonna grow up to hate me.
You really want one, don't you?
More than anything.
I don't understand. She signed Mike's book, "I'll never forget you."
Yeah. And she never did, did she?
That woman--she was like-- like Clint Eastwood in corrective sneakers.
We have to get Mike something great.
We can't just give up.
Sure, we can. I do it all the time.
You know what? I'm thinking
about a bottle of 12-year-old scotch.
For Mike's birthday, sir?
What?
Maybe we'll all think a lot better
if I get us another round.
- You know what I'd love? - I'm way ahead of you, sir.
5 beers and a scotch on the rocks, please.
Yeah, I'm gonna have a dubonnet with a Twist--
lemon, not lime.
Thanks, sugar. You're a peach.
You're straight, aren't you?
(Without lisp) how'd you know?
A little too liberace to be real.
Yeah, well, trust me.
You don't know how hard it is for me, o. k.?
Poor misunderstood heterosexual, huh?
Hey, this is only way I get any peace.
My family was always trying to fix me up.
If I was straight, with girls.
If I was gay, it'd be with guys.
Now my mother is so confused, she doesn't even talk to me.
It's great, believe me.
Or should I say (lisping) se fantastique?
You're a very healthy young man.
Listen. Why don't we go out to dinner for real tomorrow night?
Mike, it's not me you want.
You sure about that? Because everybody else left.
You're just trying to put together a puzzle,
and there's too much pressure now to make the pieces fit.
There's no pressure.
I know that if I start dating you again,
my life will be perfect and everything will make sense.
I don't think so, Mike.
I think we should just say good-bye.
So...good-bye.
O.k. I'll tell you what.
I'll meet you here on your 35th birthday,
and if I'm the only one, dinner's on me.
I don't wanna wait till I'm 35.
How about next month?
Next month I'm meeting my college boyfriend
on top of the Chrysler building.
Next year?
34. We can still have kids.
31. I'd like to still be able to play with them.
So...
Happy birthday, Mike.
(Knocking)
I don't believe this.
Where did they find you?
Is that a beautiful girl, or what? Huh?
Huh?
Naw. What do you think? You thirsty? Want a beer?
Let's go. Kitchen. Go, girl.
Giddyup. Whee! Here we go.
There we go.
Anybody here looking for Michael Flaherty?
Anybody at all?
Michael Flaherty!
Anybody looking for Michael Flaherty?
Man: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(Barking)
moo.